I'm Every Woman

****DISCLAIMER**** Do NOT read this if you fall into any (or all) of the following categories: god-believers (you know who you are), possess the ability to reproduce (aka "Breeders"), white (or of light skinned decent), pregnant (recent studies - as in me looking at fat pregnant women - showed that pregnant ladies are useless at most things besides complaining about being pregnant or eating), lesbians, my father, my mother, any relative of mine over the age of 27, any relative of mine under the age of 24, the pope, and her holiness Oprah Winfrey.

I don't know how to start, so I guess I'll introduce myself. My name is Jonny. I was born on a balmy autumn afternoon in October of 1983 as a gayby. I quickly grew from a gayby, to a pretty little boy and from a pretty little boy to a closeted gay mormon. Then, at the age of 23, I burst forth from my slumbering, closeted cocoon of conformity and as a beautifulbutterfly (cue Chaka Khan, rainbows, unicorns and a giant phallic cake that I come bursting forth from). Bursting, don't you just love that word?

Wow.

That was a quick intro. From gayby to butterfly in 2 sentences, I really burst that one on you. You might be asking, why is he even writing this? Well, I'd like to say it's for all my adoring fans, but I think that would leave me very disappointed as I am my one, and only, fan. Maybe it's just to share my sparkly thoughts with the cyberweb. Maybe it's to express my inner unicorn. I don't know. But what I do know is that "I'm Every Woman" won't stop playing on repeat in my head right now. I hope you're hearing it too (and I won't fault you if it's Whitney you're hearing instead of the original greatness of her majesty Chaka). What a great theme to live your life by. Well, actually, I don't really know what the song means, but every time I hear it I just want to stand up, loud and proud, and release my inner black woman. I hope you feel the same.

You might now be asking yourself, why am I even reading this? And the simple answer is, you must have nothing to do. Like NOTHING. Because I can think of 10 things that sound more interesting than reading this.

1. having sex

2. watching sex

3. video'ing sex

4. taking pictures of sex

5. talking about sex

6. thinking about sex

7. reading about sex

8. writing about sex

9. pondering on sex

10. have alone sex (aka masturbating, aka sex for losers)

All of those things definitely sound like more fun than reading this. But since you've stuck through it so far, maybe I'll indulge (another great word to use) and continue on.

Now that I've said all that, I don't even have any indulgences to share tonight. Maybe a word of advice for anyone who stuck it out this long. Watch out for anything that starts with tran; trans fat, trannies, Transylvania, translate, translators, tran tran (a vietnamese cookie) and tranning (it's like tanning but for trannies).